end it with a bang

here's to a bugger of a year...never in a million years would i have dreamed that so much would have happened to me in one year. ive gone from being stagnant and dead to kicking and screaming (in a good way) i have new eyes for everything, for everything looks different, and sounds different, and smells different, ive had a couple of years where i have had revelations but nothing as impacting as this year. (not even the year i decided to kick an abusive boyfriend to the curb). nothing has been more important than this year, and im not sure im ready to give it up yet...i want to savor it a little more and treasure it, hold it in my hand and never let go or forget.
this year was a crossroads for me and yet ive already taken the corner full speed and am blowing full steam ahead (and i am not looking back)...i am so excited for what this next year has in store for me. i dont think i even dare try to daydream about it because this last year held so much i dont even have a clue as to what is left...i dont think i want to have a clue...i just know its gonna be good.

and now as the sun sets on this year ill leave you with this:

No one can tell me,
Nobody knows,
Where the wind comes from,
Where the wind goes.

It's flying from somewhere
As fast as it can,
I couldn't keep up with it,
Not if I ran.
-A.A. Milne

a wish

may you all have a wonderful new years!

and may i some day learn how to sleep!



passions countdown: t minus two and counting!

with a little help...

ok i think i get it now...

today was the first sucky day ive had in quite a while...yes ive complained numerous days but i truly havent had a day where you just go "EWWWW!" "why did that even have to happen and why oh why is it not fixing itself...i mean even with the resolve of im going to be incharge of my own moods and make it a good one..." (and then you still lose cause you end up even more in a funk than you originally started)
yeah it was one of THOSE days...but i think i get it now...i think god was poking at my faith and my devotion to him (you know like the im not touching you kind of sibling stuff that just raises the hairs on the back of your neck), just checking to see if i really had checked in as i had declared...which i have. and as rough as this day was...nothing major just lots of cruddy little things that allow doubt, fear, irritation, etc. but i stood fast to my beliefs and decided to just give it back to him...that he knows what he is doing and that there truly IS a reason for all this. i think first of all it made me thankful for how many good days ive had lately, it also showed me that i have a lot to work on in order to be able to stay postive when i start back at school on the 9th. and it showed me how much stronger i am than i used to be...a couple of years ago and day like this would have sent me into a tailspin of depression and woe-is-me, but not today...tomorrow is a new day with which i will rejoice in.
so...

awake my soul and sing!


oooh and by the by only 4 more days till passion!

ahhhhhhhh

ok so it was really nice to get back to st.louis and see my family and some friends that i dont usually get to see...however...

it is WONDERFUL to be back home!

yes kansas city officially became home to me this christmas...after living here for about 5 years it finally truly feels like home, while yes home is always where mom and dad are...kansas city is now truly my home...whether i am happy with that or not...(which for the most part i am).

ok side note how is it that one can quit thier job and yet end up feeling busier than they did when they had the job?....wait...im confused...shouldnt i be more relaxed now? shouldnt i have some free time?

oh well!

Yee Haw!

MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!!!!!

"behold i bring you tidings of great joy!"

"glory be to god in the highest! and on earth peace and good will towards men!"






miss you all!

Merry Christmas Eve!!!!

ok not much to tell right now though i made it to St. Louis in a near-record time of 3.5 hours...hee hee hee hoooray for no construction for once!!!!! :D

i got a multitude of photos developed (even a roll from when i was a senior in high school!!!! how crazy is that?!) anyway here are some photos...some from fallback retreat...some from jake's xmas party...and some from McCormick and Schmidts... wee haw!

smile for the camera!!!!

this one is my favorite!!!!!
i dont know what we all did to shibu but it musta been good!
:D






jakes anyone?









how a lot of us felt after jakes!





random photo!






McCormick and Schmidts





sorry amy and all who posed! :(

ooooooh! guess what!

i had the realization today that

THERE ARE 4(ish) DAYS TIL XMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how exciting is that?!!!!

ok so i think one of my favorite memories of christmas is when i was a lot younger and we (my family-mom, dad, and my brother chris) would go to church on christmas eve for the late service...the last thing we would do is have a candle-lit moment singing silent night and then just pure awesome slience with the twinkling of silent night comming from the organ...and then...in the lobby on the way out the door there baby jesus would be...laying on his manger in the small nativity they had...there was something really magical about baby jesus "appearing" only after that service, even when i was older and realized that someone put him out...it still felt like in a way he was re-appearing for a while...so...
may you all be able to remember and feel that kind of quiet awe this year...have some great christmas's! :)

peace to all!

dear god please dont let me die under my car!

ok so i am often known to tell people that i almost died...cause im a drama queen and i love to get reactions out of people...but honestly...i really did almost die today...
ok so i decide to go to mardel a christian bookstore/supplies/trinkets/anything you could ever need store for the first time to try to find some hard to shop for family members gifts...well i get there suprised at how little traffic i encounter...its after 4...i was expecting a lot more people to be out...oh no...i find a parking spot easily...i think hey great! im doing fabulous...WRONG!!!!!! i go to get out of my car and thank the good lord that i didnt get out any faster...no sooner had i put one foot down did it slip out from under me so that i scramble first to try to figure out what is going on and then seccond to try to move fast enough to not hit the pavement...well actually i should call it what it was...friggin sheet o ice!!!!! ok so i figure out that its ice as i am trying to get my footing and loosing, while this is going on i realize that there is an elderly man in the car right next to me so me being all practical get embarrassed (now mind you i am still not upright...i am actually gripping with all my heart onto my steering wheel and any part of the car door i could get a hold of) so i get embarrassed that this guy probably saw the whole thing and then realize that if i keep going the way i was i was going to slam my car door into his car...not the thing you want to do with the owner sitting litterally right there! so not only am i trying to cling to the car door enough to right myself i am also trying to swing it towards me so as not to ding or scratch the guy's car...this is when i get mad and realize i have no "oh shit" handle on my side of the car...i now know at least one thing the next car i own will have! so anyway i flail about like a bug for what felt like hours and finally manage to kinda fling myself back onto my car seat...and slowly stand up and yes i looked around to see how many people were laughing...couldnt find any but im sure if nothing else my gaurdian angel was in hysterics by then...yeah i came real close to dying today cause if i hadnt caught myself i would have slipped under the car after smacking my head on the pavement...and honestly i can kinda see how my parents and brother would react if they got the call...they would sit there and just shake thier heads and laugh at how i can be graceful (as long as im dancing...any other time and i am the biggest klutz!)
so yes i survived my first trip to mardel and i think i will be looking very carefully at hte ground when i get out of my car for a while now.

and sorry amy i dont dare try and reinact that one for you...id end up with a concussion!

a special request

hi all...i have a favor to ask...my godmother jane, her husband dennis has diabetes and they are really kinda struggling right now with his health and with finding a way to live with that and the fact that he cant really work right now, they are because of that starting to question thier faith, and so i was hoping that all of you who read this might say a prayer for them so that they may be encouraged with everything and to give them a new heart for god. that god might give them the strength to keep plugging along and that with faith things will get easier. they have both been such an important part of my life that i feel i need to do something for them and so im kinda hoping for a great big hug of prayers to wash over them and give them some comfort.

hey baby its cold outside...so where are your shoes?

ok so ive learned these last two saturdays that ice and me plus high heels do NOT mix...yes someone thinks its funny to watch me try to walk on ice in high heels...granted these heels are actually pretty moderate in height and in normal circumstances i can walk in them just fine...just dont add ice to the equation...so anyrate trying to walk to jake's christmas party i threatened to take my shoes off...to which amy goes nonono just walk slow...to which i reply but thats what im doing and im soooo going to just bite it anyway...so she decides to escort me to the door...however she grabs ahold of me like you would expect a 90 year old lady to...i mean litterally grabs my jacket, not me so that truth be told i was actually waiting for her to bite it and then take me along with her or vice versa...luckily we made it to the door without saying hi to the icy ground.
once inside we both managed to wassail enough to truly enjoy the evening...photos to come hopefully if i can ever manage to get them to the photo shop...however i really annoyed some people with my wonderful flash. tee hee.
so on our way to the car i loudly annouced "i give up!" and promptly take off my shoes and start walking to the car...much to everyone's dismay...i got a lot of its too cold to be walking barefoot...or what are you doing!...but ya know what!? i didnt fall on my way to the car! not to mention the fact that it actually wasnt that bad at all.
i was very dissapointed when we were on our way home because we made it a point to go by the griswald family house (litterally if you have ever seen national lampoon's christmas vacation...this house IS the griswald family house) the house's light display was off...it was sooo dissapointing....i mean seriously...this is worth driving to see...its on glenwood inbetween 89th st. and 83rd st. i laughed for like 10 minutes straight the first time i saw it...oooh and bring your sunglasses! :)
ok well bedtime! maybe if i sleep in a bit tomorrow i can get my voice to come back...its better but still comes and goes.

im still waaaaiting!

ok ive tried to be patient but now not only am i still able to call myself sqeakers cause thats about all that comes out when i try to talk but now i am also wiped out...i slept most of the day and i feel worse energy-wise than i did yesterday...what gives?!
man i am the worst sick person...cause i become the biggest baby...lucky for me kathy brought me reinforcements today...some chicken soup and some apple cider...but im still sick! somebody make it stop! :(
i wanna get my christmas tree up before its christmas! but i need energy to do so!
hrmf!
ok well off to bed i go...nite nite!

to whom it may concern...

I WANT MY VOICE BACK!!!!!!

yeah...im tired of being laughed at and im tired of laughing at myself...cause yes i do sound really funny but one really forgets how much we use our voices everyday.
k, well some quotable quotes that came out of denny's last night:

"ok ***breath...ya know my mom's dead..."

"its not suspicious...its unusual but its not suspicious, especially if its our money"

"wow i felt the vibrations off of that one!" "yeah man...you kinda wiggled that one in on her"

"man it smells like baby!"

"no antony, that is what you'd do"



ok well i am going to go drink "lots of liquids" so that i might be able to coax my voice into comming back. (with any luck at all)

its official!

today i QUIT chilis!!!!!!
i am the "chili's girl" NO MORE!!!!!!!!!!
haha!
as scary as this is it is actually motivating and exciting...i think its the final push to really get me focused for school and energized and eager to find a job that is a much more positive enviornment...so if you were still waiting for a refill...so sorry and if you want guacamole...GET IT YOURSELF!!!!!
:P

and maybe someday my voice will come back...since its left me for the time being...

peace to all and happy lunching!

ooh and when you go to chilis make sure to be super needy! tee hee and ask for janey and complain lots! yeah...thats it! (no dont...i cant in good concience do that...its a nice thought though!)

how could i forget!

ok so how i could forget to add these to my quotable quotes i dont know but...

"im just not used to saying it...maybe if i said it randomly it would get better...hmmm...JESUS!...yeah...that's it...that'll work"

".....JESUS!...."

"hey amy!!!!!! i just said jesus!!!!!!" "i know...and it was awsome!"

finally! quotable quotes

"i am such a man that i don't have to poop...i dont know where it goes...but i don't have to poop."

"man college was good for something, i mean who'd have guessed we got him a prostitute and then later that evening he himself was up there on the bar naked...dancing..."

"well maybe i should go then...cause then i could REALLY celebrate!"

"they kept saying legs together and bend just a little!"

"i've just learned that i don't have a placenta!"

"FLUID SAC!!!!!!!!!"

"i don't think i payed for my potatoes!"

"well actually what's funny is i know TWO guys who drank pee...but this guy actually drank his own pee!"

"chuck norris!"

"the babies are going to be beautiful!"

"weird?! like you can talk!"

"all i need is six inches!"

"look! i changed it to spanish!"

"i looked like two sausages stuffed into a shirt!"

ok i think that that is all for now and a big big thank you to aaron for a large chunk of that...you are tinkeriffic! tee hee!

blech!

hooray...as jonya would say i finally caught the crud! boooooo! i HATE being sick! i become the worlds biggest baby...which says a lot cause im already on of the biggest drama queens around so to put it bluntly im a bad sick person...i whine and complain and bacially want my mommy to come fix me. :( oh well...ill survive...just wish the sinus pressure would go away and that if i am going to get a cough that it would just surface instead of taunt me like it is doing now.
good news though...even though i was sick yesterday i managed to get my bunny's cage cleaned! so if nothing else at least it is a little easier to stay in the house right now. my plan is to maybe try to get my tree up tonight...but we shall see...im not used to not having it up yet...it usually goes up on turkey day just cause its easy to do that day...i dunno we will see. ok im tired and need to get ready to go get my bunny some hay and mail some bills. so ta ta for now!

taurus the bull strikes again

ok so why is it that my astrologicalness always manages to pop out when i am least expecting it and why then do i in turn get mad at myself for not noticing it sooner? yeah...so tonight my stubborn quicktemper showed up to say boo and it was all i could do to not cry...i just dont get it! oh well hopefully i didnt break too much china in the shop tonight. but maaaan chronicles of narnia was just AWESOME!!!!! soooo cool! neat story, great kiddos in it, and the sets were just unreal! they spent some money on the movie and it shows and its great! go see it! ok well im exhausted from dealing with my tempertantrum episode tonight so i will say adieu for now and i think tomorrow will post some quotable quotes. :)
here's to some happy and peaceful dreams

and the waitress asked us "are ya gonna eat that?"

ok so good news! i got my licence back...the lovely people at target had it...man i hate that new allergy drug law that forces pharmacies to keep decongestants behind the counter now...it sucks...its like "hey you have allergies since that isnt punishment enough here now you have to come in on certain days at certain hours to be able to get what you need to not be miserable" phooey on them! and stupid drug addicts who made them do that in the first place...why i oughta....
oooh sorry tangent!
k at anyrate work was ok...if anyone knows of a job that is not chili's let me know. preferably a job with a steady pay check. the nice part about work was that amy and aaron came and visited me...so that made my night go a little easier and a little faster too. aaron decided that he needed to have people come over and eat this cereal he has "and sit around and eat it and then fart for the rest of the day" so amy declared that we should try to have a fart party...which only got us going in a direction we just didnt need to head...at anyrate, amy i still think we should have the party...just not at my house! oooh and i think gas masks should be availible for the faint of heart. :D
larry boy!
ok random question of the day...have you ever driven in a circle in the parking lot cause you couldnt decide which way to leave? (i mean like you just didnt know where you wanted to go next but you didnt want to decide it while you were just sitting there?)
k sorry i am sleepy so i am going to bed
g'nite!

and it just keeps comming!

yup its 3am and its STILL snowing!!!!
its been a long time since ive seen it snow so solidly for a whole day...well i guess its been longer now but at anyrate...too cool. had fun tonight at kathy's (she cooked for a bunch of us) nothing beats a homecooked meal...well actually a homecooked meal that you didnt have to cook is definatley better...mmmm. thanks kathy! good news everyone! im still a ditz! yup i am almost 100% sure that i managed to leave my drivers licence at super target today...so guess where i am headed tomorrow when i get up...yup and i only thought i was gonna sleep in...oh well....so be it. very soon will be another quotable quotes section...yup ive got some dooozies tee hee...thanks aaron! >:)
ok so since i have to get up to trudge out to super target i guess i will be getting some sleep now...ooh if anyone sees an unusual nativity while they are out and about let me know...my parents collect them and its always fun to see if i can trump the one i got them the year before...the best one ive found as of yet was a couple years ago...its all snowmen...however my brother and his wife found one that is bears...the best part about it is that the bears to pull off the manger part some are dressed as sheep, others as camels...its great! ill try to find a link...
here tee hee. sooo if you find a crazy nativity let me know! till tom.!
let it snow let it snow let it snow!

have a little faith

ok so ive learned quite a bit today thus far...
#1) snow is just awesome, especially when its quiet enough to hear it fall...sooooo cool!

#2) my car HATES cold weather and is so against it that it is close to having a sitdown protest...yeah its almost ten years old and just seems to get more and more mad each winter...not to mention that it being plastic and all makes trying to find traction lots and lots of fun.

#3) i need to have more faith in god, i went into work today dreading the fact that i had to go in, expecting it to be super slow and like its been well...i was wrong, i got busy, made some good money and also was able to leave early...what a blessing!

so here's to more life's lessons and that i can make it in one peice to the bank...if i can get out of my apartment complex ill be good...its uphill to get out...man i wish i had a truck...(mmmmmmm)...oh sorry i was drooling thinking of how nice 4 wheel drive would be...sorry...happy snowflakes!

its snowfennin!!!!!

hee hee

let it snow

let it snow

let it snow!

meanwhile back at the ranch while i jump from topic to topic...

ok so there really arent any coincidences...everything is planned out, destined to be...it may morph as you live your life but there is a purpose and a general path...and yet it still amazes me sometimes how things work out. i ended up at work today in a horrendous mood...dont even really know why...well i think i ended up falling there cause we are slower than we have ever been (summertime included). the last two years about this time i was rollin in dough ($) couldnt keep up with how many tables i was given, we had a wait almost every evening, it was insane, this year...people could pick what table they sit at if we would let em...its like hundreds of people just upped and dissapeared...i dont know if the economy is bad or what...anyrate im digressing as i am soo good at doing....anyway meanwhile back at the ranch i was in a bad mood brooding on how if im going to walk out of work poor tonight id rather just be able to be poor but be in church soooo low and behold i was able to switch with someone else and make it out of work in a flash and managed to walk into heartland's new community service just as amy was walking towards the back...it was kinda crazy...cause i had managed to get out of work as fast as i think i ever have in my entire life as well as find a parking spot close (never in a million years) and then found amy without even having to look. so for the first time in what could only be considered eons i took part in communion which if things hadnt all fallen in place just like they had i dunno if i would have been so willing to do so for reasons i will not bore you with here. meanwhile back at the ranch it was amazing just thinking yet again how lately everything is just kinda falling in place and happening i guess best labled as "as it should be happening". though i couldnt help but think to myself as i was standing behind the blue chairs that it would be soooo cool if the tree that was up on stage would grow, you know like the one in the nutcracker...just a couple more feet...i just wanted it to tower over everthing instead of look like it was going to be swallowed up by the growing pile of gifts underneath it. then "BAM" went the frying pan of the day..."im in what was originally to be a theater, im going to church in a theater...ive felt god more in a theater than anywhere else (thus far)...no WONDER heartland felt so comfortable to me...it lets me meet god where ive always found him before...wow...ow....man that one kinda stung!"
yeah...so that was my night tonight...pretty cool huh? well at least i thought so, well that and there is nothing cooler than watching people's faces when i or amy tells them that i joined the family at heartland...nothing (well maybe not nothing but its pretty dang cool) cause they all get that twinkle in thier eye and a goofy grin on thier face-which i love goofy grins...my favorite! sooo cool. meanwhile back at the ranch im cold and tired so off to bed i go...till tomorrow or the next time i blog...
:)

*snif* ahhhhhhh

nothing better than the smell of brand new pointe shoes (and they are soooo pretty too!)...well maybe a couple things but maaaaaan is it nice to be back thinking about plies and arabesques.
:)

ok so photos are the one pair of pointe shoes (toe shoes for those not balletically inclined) that i have that arent stinky or beaten to all hell...heck the arent even sewn yet...ahhh just beautiful!





the other is of my new bed.
ahhhh i went from a dinky twin to
super luxury...a queen! tee hee! its woooonderful!
yeeee haw!

fate...bigger than life

everything happens for a reason. EVERYTHING!!!!! our lives are full of dots, just like a connect-the-dot game and its amazing when you get the chance to watch them connect to each other. and most recently that has been happening at lighening speed. (man i really wish i cared to learn how to spell better...oh well) there is nothing more amazing than getting that little lightbulb that pops up and then flying through a couple random different moments with a new understanding of why this happened and why that didnt happen...cause at the time it may have been frustrating, sad, whatever but later it all fits and make sense. this weekend i got a baby skillet over the head (thank you god for downsizing!!!!) it was for an appriciation for all of those people in my life right now and the realization that i have endless options for everything. i was also shown that my life previously before i surrendered to god is not for me anymore which just makes continuing on the path im on now even easier. the feeling of peace is one of the best i think ive expierienced, i even dare say its better than being in love because love still can sneak anxiety and fear in there without your knowing, but peace, true peace is just unreal. bottom line true peace is not of this world, its heaven sent and a true gift from god.

oh yeah and on friday i tripped three times in about two hours...twice in front of liisa's house-stupid uneven sidewalk and dumb gumballs, and then lucky me also found where liisa's driveway stopped...now that i think of it maybe i need to wear a helmet the next time i go to liisa's. :) oh well still had fun.

moo

earlier today i overheard a mom singing to her child...
"here a moo, there a moo...everywhere a moo moo..."
and it just tickled my heart...ooooh it was great! :)

true peace

i found it...this morning i found true, honest, beautiful peace. and as it washed over me i got a sense of how amazing god is. his thirst-quenching love and undying pursuit of those of us who are stubborn and learn the hard way. the fact that he will not ever give up on me is immense and the way he plans everything is mind blowing. the fact that he will use the best attention getters we have to proclaim his message and allow us to get a glimpse of his grandure is just...yeah...cant even describe it. (especially when its done so subtly that we almost miss it). but what i feel the need to say is that im done running, ive spent waaay to many years running from god and his love because i felt i didnt deserve it, but im done running. i quit, i surrender, and im his. and the best part is that i never imagined it would feel this peaceful.