late night/early morning ponderings

after reading amy's post i am stuck with the idea of do we ever really know what we want and do we ever REALLY want what it is that we think we want or are we just enthralled with the idea of it? when it comes time to actually step up and account for it...is it still worth it? lately ive been feeling a great disquiet within my heart...i feel that i have a huge calling on my heart, my life actually and have been racking my brain to try to "figure it out" i finally had the awakening tonight that while there may still be some left of the story...ive already set out and done what God has sent me to do, yes i may still have some story left that i am unaware of yet but i have made a difference...maybe not in the lives of hundreds of people across the world...but well actually i have affected plenty of the world...so in essence i dont have to strive anymore...its already done and if there is more it will get done before i leave this world...i finally understand what it means to truly let God hold my whole life in his hands...and i can be ok with that. why do i care so much about making a difference? why am i so blind as to how much of a difference ive already made? why is rejoycing in the little things such a hard thing to do? and why must everything i do be for everyone else and not for me? i have been in teh midst of overhauling my life lately and have come to realize that i get one chance at this life, i have one time to live my life to the fullest and to enjoy all the little things around me...only ONE, and i refuse to live it for anyone else (other than God) from now on...from now on this life is for me and most importantly for God because i want to make a difference to him more than anything or anyone else. this right here, right now, is my time to shine, my time to fly...and i can do that even by just bringing a smile to someone's face...i dont have to go out and slay dragons...i can instead just enjoy the grass and the butterflies. what beauty this broken world beholds...i can't wait to go home...for i feel i am becoming homesick for that home i've never seen...but may my life be used to the best of God's ability before i go.