footprints

side note:

sorry this is so long and so personal and such a little stream of conciousness...welcome to my brain when it decides to turn on.

:)

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there are many quotes that use the idea of footprints in them...whether talking about friends or family or any kind of caring action that really impacts you...however the one that always sticks with me is this:

One night a man had a dream. He dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life.
For each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonging to him, and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of his life flashed before him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints.
He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in his life.
This really bothered him and he questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, you'd walk with me all the way.
But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, there is only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why when I needed you the most you would leave me."
The Lord replied," My son. My precious child, I love you and would never leave you.
During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you."
Author Unknown

with what little free time ive had lately i keep comming back to this idea of being carried, i think back to all the hard times in my life, growing up in a rich school district and not being rich, always being the odd one, being thousands of miles away from home at a school that didnt want me with a boyfriend who was hurting so bad that he hurt me to make himself feel better, telling that same boy to take a running hike and meaning it, starting at a new school and trying to believe in myself, loosing the only grandparent ive ever had, getting mono when everything dance wise was comming together and seemingly so perfect (except for my belief in myself), struggling with this damn job of mine, wrestling with the idea that god wont give up on me, deciding that i need to take a leap of faith and truly learn to listen to my heart, and most recently believing that everything good that has been happening lately is worthy of someone like me and that i am truly deserving of a strong support system of friends and family and that i deserve to be happy and that i can make it happen. with all of that god has got to be tired...and that is just with me, just some of the lowest of low points...and ive had a good life so far...he is so amazing in that he seeks us out and gives us the tools we need to hold strong and pull out of the muck when we need it most. i am just in awe of him...as i sit here and reflect on the evening, i got to spend it with many many friends at a really nice place that was warm and safe and welcoming, i have the support i so desperately longed for during grammar school, i now have the security i had wanted when my grandma passed or when i was trying to breakaway from my verbally abusive boyfriend, and i have the safety of people who care about me to run to when i feel down or bothered. the best part is that because i am so often bothered by my environment (others who are hurting, stressors with my job, other bothers or things that go wrong or break) that the people i am blessed to have gotten to know recently are aware enough that they are able to refocus me onto myself, in short they unsmudge the mirror and clearly name exactly whatever it is that is bothering me (whether they realize it or not). and for that i have no words except that i am truly grateful.
thanksgiving came and went and yet as is very typically the case with me, the true awareness of what is going on or what is important
hits late,
and it hits hard.

i am so very very thankful for every blessing that is in my life right now...i am scared at times that i am not deserving of everything that has happened lately but then i remember that i do deserve it because if nothing else i will always have god's love, he loves everyone even the broken and the hurt and if you are looking for it you can see how he is always there, great and wonderous or quiet and unsignificant. what a wonderous thing.