as time stood still...

that is kind of how ive been feeling lately...as if time has just stopped for a while and im just still going on about my daily life not really aware yet that everything else has stopped...god has been trying to get me to reflect on my astronomical journey that has been this last year but something in me just doesnt want to stop and face it. part of me doesnt want to think about how miserable i was just a year ago or how hopeless i felt 12 measley months ago. i think partially because a part of me still wonders if i will end up back there again...i know that is just a venomous thought process but i think to some extent its still so new there are times it feels as though it could get ripped away at any second. ive come so far but still have so far to go. i now have hope and more peace than i ever thought possible but im still an emotional stressball that can freakout and cry with the best of 'em. i still have a really really hard time telling people how i truly feel about the important stuff and im still scared stupid about my potential. how do you put the past behind you and truly move forward? how do you claim your potential while staying humble? is that even an option? i feel like the more i try to get to who i am the more questions i get and the fewer answers there are. i know im changing because i feel all of my lines blurring (which typically seems to happen right before i grow/change) but this sense of blurring just seems to increase with no end in sight...and its starting to really unsettle me when i actually stop and take notice of it. lately it seems like i only get fleeting moments of truly feeling like myself and the rest of the time is just spent in limbo...well im tired of limbo...i may be flexible but everyone has thier breaking point. how do you continue to move forward if you dont even know who you are anymore? i know who ive been, i know who i wish i could be but where am i? where is the authentic me and how do i keep her out in the open?

ok im tired need to sleep a little...yeah yeah yeah i know its crazy late...but if you know me at all you know that this is what happens when i start really analyzing things. i promise ill get some sleep and take care of myself...i just can keep running from this...this needs to be dealt with.